An easy guide to ruining your MacBook’s battery


You’ve got a brand new MacBook? Perfect. Now’s the time for you to completely ruin its battery, to ensure it only lasts for minutes when you’re out and about. I mean, what’s the point in your laptop being portable? As far as I’m concerned, none.

That’s why we’ve put together a handy guide outlining everything you should do to mess up your MacBook’s battery as quickly as possible. And yes, you are very welcome.

Keep all your apps running all of the time

Answer me this: what’s the fastest way to open that bit of software you sometimes need? You guessed correctly: never close it.

Every single app on your laptop should be open all the time. Only use that bit of accounting software once a week? Keep it open. Make music a single time a year? Who cares, leave Garageband primed and ready to go 24 hours a day. Opened Outlook by mistake in 2012? It must stay active forever.

In fact, you should also leave Spotify playing even when you don’t want to listen to music, just turn the volume off. While I’m thinking about it, you should probably just leave videos constantly playing in the background. Who knows when you might have the urge to catch a few seconds of The Simpsons.

And on the topic of apps…

Never, ever update your software

It’s my firm belief that the first draft of anything is perfect. Why spend time refining or revising when the thing already exists? It’s there. It’s real. It can’t get any better than that — and the same goes for apps.

Who cares about “tweaks,” “improvements,” or “optimizations?” I’ll tell you: losers. Big old boring losers. And, friends, one thing we’re not are big old boring losers. We’re winners.

Winners never, ever update apps. Winners deliberately go and turn off automatic software updates. Winners stay on a version of macOS so old, the terms and conditions are carved into stone. Winners have MacBook batteries that are so drained, you can barely turn your computer on before it shuts down. Winners. Winners. Winners.

Unplug and discharge and plug in and unplug and plug in again.

Laptops these days are made to energy efficient, and most modern MacBooks are created to manage and optimize charging to protect the battery.

But that sounds boring and dull.

I suggest that everytime you charge your MacBook to 100%, wait until it goes back down to 99% — and then plug it back in again. And do this repeatedly. Over and over. Teach that laptop who owns who.

On this note, another fantastic way to ruin your MacBook’s battery is to run it all the way down. If you ever see a warning pop up telling you your laptop’s about to go to sleep because it’s low on juice, good. That’s what you want. Run it all the way into the ground. Drain your computer like it’s a weak human, and you’re a thirsty vampire. It’s the natural order of things.